The shape of things to come

I wonder what we could all achieve if we just focused on it.

In a strange confluence of events, being slightly drunk and having just watched Dazed and Confused for the first time, I'm finding myself in an incredibly reflective mood. I think to the times of achievement in my life, getting into GHP, getting in shape, making certain films, and at some of those times, I was incredibly focused. More focused than ever, thinking back. Not that robot obsessed kind, but just really involved in whatever was at hand.

Today, I sometimes find myself so scattered that I tend to fall back into vices to compensate, e.g. eating too much, not reading enough, drinking too much, not running. What if I really tried? Why do our minds, or maybe it's just some people, stop focusing on what we want? I got Katie the latest from Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers. In yet another book where he breaks the macro level down to a sort of broadened mechanism, he talks about success and those who achieve and those who don't. I can't wait to read it. The topic fascinates me right now. We have the ability to possess incredible focus, and yet we don't always...why?

What occupies my mind these days? Wanting to be wont. I need to do. Why not? I've not been exhausted from doing a lot of nothing, so I should do more. Do until I'm well into my own mind. I'm not sharp, I've been doing badly at crosswords lately.

My mind is screaming at me to write. Katie's indulged that by getting me some notepads to carry in my back pocket. If only I had a pen. But there are always pens. No more excuses, eh? No more fast food, boozin', brushing aside. I've been reading Money by Martin Amis (courtesy of ol' Stephan two years ago at Secret Santa), and the character of John Self is excess incarnate. And it gets in your blood. You have to be careful. I think I've definitely gained weight since I've started reading that book. But it's gotten to the point where he acknowledges that he should be dead, and I have to reassess what's in my life.

I'm 24 now. Young, aging, full of aspiration, nothing concrete yet. Gotta give all of this a shot, may as well be disciplined. I think the best compliment I've gotten lately was that a coworker mistakenly thought I was still in school, because I was so, how did she put it? I can't remember. It was either "studious", "disciplined", or "driven", but I think it was either none or any of those, and I want to keep up those appearances.

I think by Wednesday I will have my new annual tradition of lists. I can't wait.