CHUD: Across the Junoverse

I was just checking out Harry's list of DVDs on AICN, and on the cover of Charlie Bartlett , it says, "Like 'Juno' -- It's a movie with big laughs and a lot of heart. A clever crazy comedy!"

OK, so nobody's heard of that movie, yeah I can see drawing a comparison to Juno to draw some people in. But then there, on the fucking cover of Persepolis, "Marjane is a sass queen to rival 'Juno!'"

For fuck's sake!

I forgot, Diablo Cody, first sass queen to ever live, finally enabled women, including Marjane Satrapi, to have acerbic wit and quirk! Good thing she broke down those barriers for Satrapi, whose book published four years before Juno.

CHUD: Iron Man sucked. Sex and the City...not so bad.

I know. Fuck me, right?

Some history: when you have a huge crush on someone, and she's got this show she really wants you to watch on her couch, you don't say no. So goes my experience with Sex and the City.

I've seen most of the series. Two-thirds, at least. I'd miss a few episodes, get the quick recap -- "Oh, she got pregnant. And then had the baby." or "Ron Livingston is her boyfriend?" -- and be prepared to join the pun-filled mania. As far as the series goes, it's a total love-hate relationship. I will just as often yell "Fuck you!" at the screen when they do something stupid or indulge in cute wordplay as I will cry or laugh. Mostly it's just nods of approval tagged with a smile. "Alright, that joke didn't suck." The show eventually developed into something pretty strong and watchable, with the occasional suicide-inducing zinger thrown in.

After an entire weekend of sold-out shows, we (me and the lovely lady I had a crush on those years ago) finally got to see it on Sunday. The movie is in a difficult position with critics (and men) because it really is just a continuation of the series. It's not going to stand alone. You need that history. It tries to play catch up and clue everyone in, but really it would not work on its own. It's a flaw embedded into the movie, and that's how it goes.

The movie is basically Season 6 Part III. It's just as long as another half-season and plays like one. The story encompasses about a year when it's over. Carrie's storyline is fucking huge and over-the-top, but them's the stakes with Big. Miranda surprisingly doesn't get nearly as much sympathy for what happens to her (not trying to give anything away here). Charlotte has her usual uber white fantasy tale, and Samantha leads the pack with a narrative about coming to terms with who you are and giving up what you love to be fulfilled. For being the most shallow character, she has the deepest realization to make.

Every mother fucker out there bitches about the length of this movie. Well, I actually thought it was too short. By the time the ending comes around, they're rushing through tying up all these storylines that we've invested 2+ hours in. If I'm going to sit through five goddamned fashion montages, I want my endings fully realized. It could have been at least ten minutes longer. However...

Academy Award winner Jennifer Hudson should've been dropped altogether (by the way, 'academy' so does not look like a word right now...aca-demy, weird). Completely worthless, and in fact Carrie would've been a much stronger person if she had taken care of the whole mess and handled it herself. It would've been much more interesting to see her overcome what happens on her own, but instead we get a bunch of puns about Louise from St. Louis. Great.

Speaking of useless assistants, let's get to Iron Man, the movie critics love to love because it doesn't suck.

I went with my friend Julian, and we didn't hate it while we were watching it. I laughed a few times. It was visually stunning to watch. But as he put it, "Oh good, a Marvel movie where the hero goes up against some sort of bizarro version of himself." We quickly realized that we were actually really bored by the whole thing. I mean, how long can we sit there and watch this asshole build a suit??

I have no idea why critics are blowing their load over this movie. The dialogue? It sounds like the snappy sort of dialogue from his other films of late, like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang or even Zodiac. It's almost like the role was written with Downey's previous roles in mind, therefore bringing nothing new to the table!

Tony Stark seems to value human life but has no problems battling a Big Lebowski on a busy highway. By the way, why would they stage yet another fight on a busy highway?? It's been done countless times, why couldn't they think of anything more creative than slamming cars around?!

And what is the story of this movie anyway? He just builds the suit and then gets into a fight. There is nothing cerebral at all going on here. The most insulting part is that they are trying to act like there is a story, when there isn't. A movie like 300 has no story and knows it. And that is perfectly fine.

And Gwyneth Paltrow provides one of the stupidest Moneypenny characters ever. For being one of the two females in the film (one Stark fucks and tosses), it's not exactly a step forward for womankind. She provides coy sexual tension for Stark and fucking literally prances around in high heels, even when an electrical explosion of lightning bolts are heading right toward her. Helpless isn't even descriptive enough.

I did really like Jeff Bridges, though.

That's really the beginning of a rather huge summer full of supposedly awesome movies. I'm still rather excited, although I skipped Speed Racer because of the awful reviews, and I've yet to see Indiana Jones. Not hearing good things about that either.

I just can't wait for The Dark Knight and Pineapple Express.

CHUD: I'm going to make you watch this goddamned movie.

So, I'm in this theater company, and after rehearsals someone inevitably asks: "What movie are we going to watch?" This question becomes a taxing debate and leads to an interminable weighing of options. Seriously, we once spent 15 minutes deciding whether to watch House of Wax (with the Hottie) or Gregg Araki's Smiley Face (most of the group had already seen this). Some sort of improvised democratic process went into play, and, unfortunately for cinema, we went with the former.

And in these conversations, interjections of "You haven't seen this or that?!" come into play so frequently that an idea was spawned: get together, sit down, and let me show you this goddamned movie already. Each person would have the chance to show two films they personally felt were important and absolutely had to be seen. We all have our own personal list of greats and classics we haven't seen, a list we would surely trade for that ever-growing list of films we had the misfortune of seeing.

This new programming format comes with responsibility. Do you show that classic film that's important to filmdom, or the film that made you step back and reevaluate everything? Seven Samurai or The Idiots? Which is which, really? I have been treated to a handful of films so far, including Showgirls and The American Astronaut. Seeings Showgirls without the static blur of free cable transmissions was its own reward. And the mania and love behind The American Astronaut connected me with that film in a very primitive way.

I plan on screening two documentaries, Hoop Dreams and King of Kong, two films about chasing dreams that really impacted me. We only have a four-hour window to show whatever we want, but I think I can be forgiven. But, can we be forgiven for having watched House of Wax over Smiley Face? Are we doing all of this to atone for that mistake?

No, I mean for fuck's sake we watched Showgirls.

Get it right

First of all, there is a glaring error in this article. I believe the scenario in question is from "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York" and not the first film.

Oh, they were 'immigrants'

Secondly, MARTA needs to either be CONSISTENTLY LATE and never early or always early. It fucks me up when I go to wait at the bus stop and the bus never shows up. The paranoia begins, and I wonder whether the bus is going to be incredibly late (likely) or if I actually missed it by mere seconds because it was -- gasp! -- early. I hate MARTA.

Coming up

Wedding
President
Duplex
Paris
Film Festivals
Jobs
PS3

The 5th of April

So April 5th, as I have described it to people, was both the most stressful and the best day ever. Stress doesn't even begin to describe the great feeling that the universe was trying to stop us. I wouldn't be surprised if a big black smoke monster showed up to course-corrected our asses.

It all began on Saturday morning, which was really just a continuation of the somnambulistic night before (I got maybe an hour and a half of sleep). I was trying to get some sound tweaked in Final Cut Pro (our editing software for those unaware), and the sound would not do what I was telling it to do. Angered, I yelled to the heavens, "Stupid goddamn fucking Final Cut fucking Pro!" BOOM. A transformer in the distance exploded, the power went out. Our hard drives, computer, open file, everything was at risk of being completely lost. We had a meeting at the Plaza Theatre at 1:00 pm to test our projector and our footage for any last minute changes. The power went out at 11:45.

Without hesitating, we quickly unplugged and packed up Eli's monstrous computer (a contingency we had eerily discussed the day before as a near impossibility) and hauled it to Julian's house. By the way, it was kind of raining. And when we got there, Eli's monitor was acting up. Minor details aside, we exported the file as planned, which took half an hour, loaded everything up and drove the Plaza. Upon getting there, we quickly realized that had forgotten an important cable and a laptop that would work with the projector. Julian rushed back to the house and came back thirty minutes later. We hooked everything up around 1:55 pm (we had to be out by 2:30), and....! The projector was a piece of shit.

Every color, detail, whites, darks, all were turned to a murky cesspool of amateur-looking shit. Brights were too bright, darks too dark, colors would eat up other colors, nuances were completely lost. It was devastating. We had worked so hard and at the fucking final hour, everything might have been for nothing. We started working out other contingencies, among them borrowing a 300 pound projector from a friend, renting a projector from some unknown location, and drinking spiked Kool-Aid while wearing sweat pants and Nikes.

Long story short, we went and bought an HD projector from Best Buy, based on recommendations from several tech-savvy friends. This turned out to be the best decision of the entire, the decision that we were apparently course-corrected into. The image was absolutely perfect, it could not have been any better. With that out of the way, we were able to enjoy our tremendous effort to make the audience laugh and awkward. It was a wonderful experience, marred only by Diana's rump sitting on the DVD player during "Promote!" Luckily, it was my DVD player, so I know when it's powered off, it will restart exactly where it was if you just turn it back on. I still think it's hilarious that it happened. With the premiere over, drinking ensued.

And then it was Sunday. What do you do after all of that? Watch the Simpsons and nothing more. This week has been a breeze, I'm enjoying not doing much (except taxes, but I get a refund, which is going to a DVD-R Upconverting player with HD tuner card, hooray.).

Come to think of it, the Nazis weren't that bad either!

Glen Beck is stupidest putz on the planet: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/03/beck.oilexecs/index.html